How To Create A Healthy Dynamic With Your Champions

When life gets hard, it can be difficult to remain positive. You’ll need champions.

Now, before I go further, let’s get a few things straight: I’m a firm believer that toxic positivity is offensive and that mind-over-matter is BS.

I’ve heard a lot of toxic positivity from people outside of my circle.

When someone says, “At least you’re still young while this is happening!” I cringe at the heartbreak they don’t know I’ve experienced. Yes, I’m young. Being young with bilateral hip replacements requires significant considerations though. Hip replacements don’t last forever. Sure, the technology is amazing now but these likely aren’t the last set of new hips I’ll have. I’ve had to acknowledge that I might need new hips every 15-25 years. I’ve had difficult conversations with doctors ensuring I can still have healthy pregnancies one day. And, I’ve had to accept that there’s a chance that my body could’ve rejected the devices.

Or when someone says, “I’d love to be off work for a while!” I have to hold myself back from saying, “Do you want to trade? You can have the 2-5 hours of sleep each night for a month and a half, the embarrassment of needing your mom to help with bathing and dressing, the feeling like a toddler learning how to walk again, the body dysmorphia of instantly becoming two inches taller causing none of your pants fit, and the consistent throb and pain in the most significant joints in your body.” Of course I would never wish this on anyone, but recovery from total hip replacement (THR) is not a vacation. It’s time off to relearn how to walk, strengthen muscles, and adapt to a new normal.

I’ve also received mind-over-matter comments like, “If you just stop overthinking about [insert the anxiety or fear], you’ll be way less stressed.” Well, surgical fears are real. Anxiety about insurance billing, waiting for a diagnosis, and all the other unknowns that accompany a health crisis are real. It’s not overthinking, it’s just that a health crisis is hard.

When experiencing a health challenge, toxic positivity and mind-over-matter remarks are detrimental. Such commentary invalidates concerns and discredits strength. This is why it’s important to identify your person – or people – that you can be genuinely vulnerable with. I refer to them as my champions.

The Characteristics of a Good Champion

Having a network of champions is critical to coping with a health crisis. Identifying those people can be tricky, though. Not all people are capable for this role. They may love you but might not be inherently apt to support your needs. It doesn’t make them a bad person, it’s just that some people aren’t built to be supporters. Here’s a few characteristics of a great champion:

• Sympathetic. You don’t need toxic positivity. You also don’t need someone who makes you feel worse about your situation by saying things like, “You just remind me how blessed I am” (ugh, I hate that one). You need someone who validates your concerns, fears, hopes, and dreams. Someone who reminds you of your strength, without belittlement and comparison. Someone who accepts your tears. These people say things like:
  • “I hear you.”
  • “I’m not in your shoes, but I can see how overwhelming that would be.”
  • “Is there anything I can do to help ease the situation?”
• Honest. You don’t need someone to fluff around the truth. Although your supporters should validate you, they shouldn’t let you crumble. For example, you don’t want your champions to consistently join and chime into all of your pity parties. When you invite your champions to accompany you on the health journey, you’re asking them to keep you above water. There may be times where they need to say something like, “I hear you. This is really hard but I think you’re boiling over a bit. How can we fix that?” 
• Fun. You want your support network to be fun. Fun people find creative ways to engage. Maybe you can’t go bar hopping, but you can play Pictionary at home (shoutout to my besties who came over on NYE 2020 to play Pictionary with me). Or maybe you both love movies so you watch Netflix series’ together (thanks, mom). Or maybe you love coffee, so you grab coffee together (how much coffee did we have this year traveling from doctor appointments, dad?). There can be happy moments during challenging times. The right people in your support network can help you find them.

The Hard Stuff

Equally important to selecting people with those characteristics, you need to communicate your expectations to your champions so they can understand your needs. This ensures that both ends of the relationship are set up for success. My two biggest champions were my parents. Since I lived with them, establishing expectations early-on (and throughout) was important. Here are some ideas that worked for us:

1. Communicate your needs. Your needs will frequently shift. Do you want to word vomit? Great. Do you just need a cry? That’s healthy and your skin will look great after. Do you want advice? Got it.  Your people need to know what you need from them. If you don’t communicate your needs, you both could find yourselves frustrated and resentful. If you just want to cry in comfortable silence, let your champion know. If they’re a “fixer”, they might naturally try to provide a solution in response to the emotion. The solution could be totally valid and helpful but if it’s not what you need at the time, it can come across as an additional overwhelming task. Communication matters.
2. Create boundaries. This works both ways. Remember that your health crisis can be overwhelming to your loved one too. They want better for you and it’s difficult to watch you suffer. As they support you, identify ways that you can both create healthy boundaries. Boundaries can look different for each support relationship. As an example, my mom and I mutually agreed to communicate when we were at capacity. For us, “at capacity” meant that we were mentally exhausted. If one of us had something to vent about but the other one was feeling more overwhelmed than normal, we would put it on hold. We didn’t isolate ourselves from each other (togetherness was really important to me) but sometimes supporting each other was just sitting in silence, scrolling on our phones. It was our way of communicating, “I love you. I’m here. I just need to recharge a bit.”
3. Design a space for feedback. Words are powerful. As previously noted, “Boiling Over” was the term my champions would use to let me know when I was slipping into an unhealthy mindset. For me, this was a soft and gentle phrase as opposed to “You’re spiraling” or “You’re overreacting”. This was often used when I felt overwhelmed with the balance of work, medical bills, and pain. If you have words that would effectively equip your support network, let them know. Another example was when I learned that my pain level directly affected my mood. When the pain shifted from a 6 to a 10, I’d snap quickly at those around me. Negligent of my communication style, one of my champions had to pull me aside and say, “I think I irritate you when your pain gets worse. What do you need from me when that happens?”. Appreciative of the call-out, I identified my needs during those times and started to be more transparent when my pain levels changed. This particular champion of mine (hi mom) has the natural instinct of wanting to fix problems. When my pain would get worse, she’d want to talk it out with questions like, “What did you do differently today? Should we call your doctor right now? Is that a new area of pain?” The questions were innocent, helpful even. Unfortunately, I don’t usually have the mindset and desire to chat through and dissect reasons for the pain changing when it’s happening. Instead, I’d rather grab ice or heat, Tylenol, and be quiet. Once the pain goes down, we can then revisit those important questions about the cause to my pain shift. Getting on the same page allowed us to maintain our relationship without annoying each other. My champions can’t read my mind – yours can’t either. 🙂

Identifying your champions and creating a safe space for open feedback has potential to strengthen the relationship even beyond the health crisis. Remember: this is new territory for your champions, too. Together you and each champion need to figure out what “support” looks like.

What other tips do you have for equipping your support network? Leave them in a comment below.